I don't cook.

I don't. I just don't. And I never have.

I even married a chef.

I am a disaster waiting to happen in la kitchen.

My staple diet used to consist of:

2 minute noodles

….

I used to waitress – which ensures that you get a meal during your shift.. which ensured that I did not need to cook.

OK – if I was not working (waitressing) I used to cook:

2 minute noodles.
…..I would sometimes expand on these by adding pre-chopped vegetable stirfry vegies.
Pasta and cheese (Pasta I CAN cook!)
Spaghetti Bolognaise (You need to have one good dish to cook for your new boyfriend! ; )
Rice
...with pre-chopped vegetable stirfry.
And I used to eat Kelloggs Special K (until they changed them??!!) - out of the box because I don't like milk.

I started to “cook” after I met my husband (even though he is a chef) because I thought it would be very “domesticated” of me to help him in the kitchen. (He soon learned it was better to keep me OUT of the kitchen and no matter how hard I try, I think I am just missing the gene of “domestication”)

We started off with small things such as grating.

First try: Bugger! Grated a shaft of skin off my hand (and I am anal about my hands, being an artist and all)

Second try: Ooow!! Sliced my finger.

Third try: Took so long that by the time Hubby had finished dicing all the vegies he took over my block of cheese (which was only a 3rd grated) and finished it in a bltz.

I tried chopping a few things, and here too ends of my fingers removed and gashes in my hands.

I don't think Hubby quite believed how terrible I am in The Kitchen. With perplexity he once asked me, “So if you are adding carrots to your pasta, how do you cut them?”
(Other thing I can cook: Pasta with peas, carrots and avo)

I went a little red and said, “Like this” :

What I do is sort of “hollow” my mouth out and bite the carrot into little bits and store the little bits in my mouth (like a hamster) til I'm done with said carrot and then drop the carrot bits into my food. This may sound gross to you, but its not like anyone else had to eat it – I'm not grossed out by my own mouth and its much better than losing one of my precious fingers!

(But you don't necessarily need all your fingers for painting, you might say. Well I play the Piano too, so I do!)

I tried to use an oven once to Roast some Vegetables. Burnt the vegetables and burnt my hand.

When I was small I could make a microwave chocolate cake. Microwaves are very useful. You can't burn yourself with a microwave. Things can explode in a microwave, I have learnt. But no harm to flesh so all is good.

If you are sill disgusted about my “carrot chopping” think of how sweet it is when birds feed their teensy tiny baby birds by regurgitating their food. Thats not gross. And I am not even regurgitating.

Enough said ;-)